That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
