do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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