6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
