There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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