I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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