I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I still have a little drunk in my system
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
