Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
