Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
