I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
