I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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