Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
