how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
