In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I need a burrito and a hug.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
