Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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