Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
