remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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