Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
