you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
