hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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