The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
