my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
