At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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