hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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