Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
