yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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