All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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