I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So vagazzling was a success
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
