This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
