My pussy is not your playground.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
