my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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