When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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