Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
