i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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