I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
