I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
