The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
