well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
