Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize