So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
