hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize