Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
well you can't waste a boner
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
