Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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