You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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