Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
