Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
