Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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