i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
