Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
