i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
