then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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