I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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