I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
jump out the window naked night went bad
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
