"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You pole danced in your parka.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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