You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
