The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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