My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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