it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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