I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
