The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
