You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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