he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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